Why Yu Is Never Going Back To Inaba
by Mastodon'sWorstNightmare
Summary: Yu had a crazy year. One that was guaranteed to kill braincells and cause global inbreeding. Theses are the reasons why Yu is never going back to that town again...
1. The Naoto Incident

Dojima sipped from his coffee cup as he tried to organize his scrambling thoughts.

"_Th-There's no way that Yu is... Right?_"

The aging detective shifted in his chair as the situation once again came crashing down on him.

It all started the previous night...

* * *

><p><em>Dojima was tired... so very tired.<em>

_He had just gotten home, not even through the front door, when he was hit by a semi-truck of exhaustion. His bones and muscles ached with every centimeter of motion. The constant call-ins from the newbies were physically killing him..._

_His eyes were getting heavier, as were his legs, when he spotted the couch in the modest living room of the modest home. It looked like an oasis in a long and dry desert, one that Dojima knew better than to ignore._

_He made his way to the couch, practically jumping on it in glee. The relief was instant as his aching body went numb with pleasure. The desire to sleep was getting almost voracious, pulling his eyelids down and raising them at slower intervals. Surely he had earned a quick cat nap? Keeping a town safe took a lot out of a guy, you know?_

_He placed the blue cap on the table next to him over his eyes, shielding them from the light. It was perfect, if a little too small. Dark enough to block out all light, but it took a little rearranging to get it just right. Still, he had found the perfect position to... wait._

_'Whose hat is this?'_

_Did anyone he know wear a hat like that? He could have sworn..._

"_S-Senpai!"_

_He heard a voice from upstairs. It sounded incredibly familiar..._

"_Please! C-Continue what you are doing!"_

_'Is that Naoto?'_

_His nephew and Naoto Shirogane had actually grown quite close after the kid detective's disappearance. That was actually a common trait with the kidnapping victims. From the Amagi girl, to the idol Rise, to Kanji Tatsumi of all people, a friendship was established between them all. Must've been a weird group therapy thing. He didn't care. It was good that they were all helping each other... even if some of them were a little _eccentric_. Mainly that blonde kid... fuck that guy._

"_Y-Yes! Just like that!" Shirogane's distinct voice rang out again. Dojima guessed that the two were up there playing some kind of video game or something. Kids are weird... But what got his attention was how shaky his voice was. Was that kid nervous about something?_

"_D-Deeeepeer!" _

…

_Okay. That was weird... It was almost as if-_

"_**FUCK ME HARDER, SENPAI!**"_

…

_Dojima tried to get off the couch, but he was paralyzed. All motor functions were unavailable for the moment. Even his brain was on the "REFRESH" list. All he knew was that he was very very scared at the moment. At that moment, he finally realized the... **thumping** coming from the upstairs bedroom. It was very quick and... Oh God..._

_'I think I'm gonna vomit...'_

_He had never realized that his nephew... _swung that way_, if you caught his drift. But it did make sense in a way... _

_He never invited any girls to his room, just that Junes kid and Tatsumi... **OH DEAR SWEET GOD, NO!**_

_His nephew-! His sister's son-! Nanako's unofficial Big Brother-!_

"_AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAhhhhh!" _

_Naoto's **satisfied** moans would haunt Dojima's nightmares for many years to come as he curled up in a ball, merely pondering where he went wrong._

_'I knew I should've hit him more...'_

* * *

><p>Dojima was barely able to look at Naoto or Yu when they came downstairs. He merely stared out into space, unable to be contacted by any form of human life.<p>

He nearly panicked when the boy detective retrieved his hat from the "sleeping" man's head, but it was not like he could have done anything about it anyway. He used the last bit of energy he had crying himself to sleep, being forced to listen to the same... _performance_ repeat itself throughout the night. Naoto had serious issues due to some of the comments he made during the... sessions.

They included, but are not limited too:

"Senpai! Treat me like the woman I am!"

"Harder! Harder! Beat my vagina to death!"

"Not in there! I do not want children!"

"SUCK MY CLIT, AND CALL ME MAMA!"

A bit of bile came up in Dojima's throat as the memories came back. The girlish screams, the thumping, the groans of his nephew as he... **finished**.

So he merely sat at the kitchen table. His cup shaking violently in his hands as he took continuous sips from a drink long since finished.

"Uncle, are you alright?" Yu asked as he stared into Dojima's traumatized face. He had just stood there watching his uncle move that cup to his lips for the last two hours, and he was starting to get worried. Yu had never realized his uncle had returned home the previous night, too busy helping Naoto... discover her femininity. He guessed that his uncle had just crashed on the couch when he got home, but when he came back home after walking his new girlfriend home he saw Dojima just sitting at the breakfast table. His eyes held horror beyond imagination, as if trying to comprehend a mere fragment of a fragment of the terror would drive you irreparably mad.

"Yu..." Dojima said after a long, tension-filled silence.

"Yes?" Yu could not keep his worry down, his eyes going wide as he jumped from his seat across from his uncle.

"What is your opinion on penises?"

* * *

><p><em>AN_

This is Plague. I'm bored, so I'm starting a one-shot thing. The influences include my own insanity, tears of the orphans I piss on, and Robot Chicken. Expect things to go _fucking bananas_. And let's face it, we all wanted this to happen in P4.

Edit: What the fuck is up with the first sentence? How the hell did I miss that? Seriously...


	2. The Chie Incident

Yu stared at the screen of his television, the only source of illumination in his room. The vague figure mocked the grey haired teen, his thoughts taking it as if the image said "try and found out who I am!". The ticking of the clock on the wall only intensified the time limit. Each second caused his heart to race faster. He had to be ready. He needed to make a plan.

"**So... Which one's your type?**"

Oh, you thought he was thinking about the figure on the Midnight Channel? Nope. Fuck that loser. He had to tell his buddy, Yosuke, which of their female friends he would enjoy playing a round of 'Hide Your Genitals in The Other's'.

"Well..." the young man began, "it's a tough call."

"**Guess I know what you mean,**" Yosuke responded hesitantly. "**Chie's fun to be around and all, but come on! Yukiko's a freakin' knockout, man!**"

"Yeah, but she's pretty boring beyond that..." Yu rubbed the back of his neck with the arm not being used to hold his phone to his ear.

"**What'd ya mean?**" Yosuke asked, genuinely shocked.

"I mean that what is she beyond the Inn Chick?" Yu shrugged his shoulders as he spoke. "Her problems are kinda goofy too."

"**Dude,**" the other teen began harshly, "**I don't even want to know what you're talking about.**"

"She's all 'Oh, my family wants me to run this inn! But fuck that shit! I want to find a prince who will take care of me my whole life, and piss on my parents' faces!'" Yu said in a falsetto voice to mimic a teenage girl.

"**Yeah, you got a point there...**" Yosuke himself could not deny how Yukiko's problems seem to have stemmed from childish rebellion. Compared to what some people may have locked up in their skulls, anything from gender identity issues to being the one responsible for the slaughter of countless things that no one actual cares about beyond you, her problems seemed pretty... insignificant.

"Chie's pretty hot though." Yu said simply.

"**Whoa!**" Yosuke practically screamed. "**I'd say, at most, that she's cute! Where did **_**hot **_**come from!?**"

"I got a boner from that weird dominatrix, Shadow fight." Yu said with the confidence of a hardened veteran of the sea. "That is my retort to your statement."

"**...**"

"I am proud of my bod-!"

"**Dude... check your phone...**" Yosuke's tone worried Yu. It sounded as though he had a gun to his head and had to choose which of two fat orphans would devour him alive.

"Why? I'm already talking to you." Yu raised an eyebrow. Yosuke sounded terrified, no _petrified_. Like he stared upon one of the Lovecraftian gods itself. The pure, icy terror in his voice caused Yu to remove the phone from and his ear, and for his eyes to look on the screen.

"Oh... fuck..."

On the screen, clear as day, were the names of the people participating in the call.

_**Yu Narukami**_

_**Yosuke Hanamura**_

**Chie Satonaka**

The silence that proceeded was unimaginable. Yu couldn't even hear his own heartbeat, or his breathing. It was simply... _nothing_. He could have heard a pin drop from a moon in a completely different galaxy. Even the sounds of the rain drops against his window vanished.

However, after a few seconds that felt like an eternity between each, he could hear something from Yosuke's end.

They were heavy stomps, like a horrid beast was tearing its way through his young friend's home. Each one was followed by the panicked screams of Yosuke.

"**OH GOD, I'M GONNA DIE!**"

**STOMP**

"**Seriously! Dude, you have to help me!**"

**STOMP**

"**Oh God! Oh God!**"

**STOMP**

"**Please! If I live through this, I swear I'll stop making fun of Yu behind his back!**"

**STOMP**

"**Sh-She's here! Hide! Everyman for hims-! ~_YOOOOOOSUUUUUUUUKEEEEE!~_**"

All Yu could hear after that was a girlish shriek of fear, followed by a crack that could be heard from his house without the phone.

"Yosuke! Yosuke! YOSUKE!"

It was too late. The call ended, leaving Yu to stand paralyzed in the middle of his room. What could he do? Any minute he would hear those same stomps coming for him. The sounds of a teenaged Grim Reaper who desires the blood of those with a Y-chromosome.

"Oh God..."

The sounds of the rain intensified, like each droplet was a fist trying to smash its way through the thin glass. Every few seconds, a clap of thunder would cause Yu to jump.

"_She's coming for me!_"

That thought repeated itself over and over in his head.

"_She's coming for me! I'm gonna die!_"

"Big bro?"

"JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST!" Yu shrieked as he launched himself to the wall, his hand clutching his pounding chest.

"Big bro!?" his cousin Nanako called from his bedroom door. Her little voice sounding terrified by the outburst.

"OH!" Yu relaxed the moment he realized who it was. He relaxed his body and gave a massive sigh. "Nanako, you scared me to death..."

"Are you okay?" Nanako asked innocently, the six year old could recognize something was wrong with her unofficial 'big-bro'. He was usually always so calm and collected.

"Yeah," Yu pushed himself off the wall and walked to the door. "I'll be fine, just a shock, at most."

He opened the door, the process taking an eternity to complete. In fact, all around him time seemed to slow to a crawl. The rain drops became independent drips from each other, one falling a few after the other. His clock ticking every couple seconds, a difficult and confusing concept to him. However, he recognized the sensation due to his battles in the Television World.

It was the rush of adrenaline when a dangerous foe was near...

"Oh yeah! Chie-san said she had to talk to you about something!"

The door opened to reveal a smiling little girl, and a pissed off bowl-cut, brown-haired teenage girl in a green jacket.

The color drained from Yu's face as Chie forced herself into his room and slammed the door shut.

The click of the lock sealed the fate of the young man

* * *

><p><em>AN_

I'm here with another shot of incident. I feel like this one may not be too good because I wrote it after my **basement fucking flooded**! Which may have in fact **killed my Vita**! So I was a little frustrated. But I will continue with the whole "X-incident" thing. Because I can make it vague enough to where I don't spoil the jokes.

Speaking of jokes, I apologize if they're not funny enough. I got a fucked up sense of humor which is **not **enough for everyone.

But please leave a review if you liked/hated it. Any opinion helps.


	3. The Hospital Incident

Yu was having a bad day...

First off, he forgot that he needed to study the previous night for a pop quiz. Then he forgot to set his alarm and barely squeaked into school by mere seconds. Add that with the fact that the quiz had nothing on it that they even learned whatsoever, and the fact that the creepy janitor still thought he was a girl masquerading as a boy and sent him more love letters in his locker... Along with photos that he seriously considered giving to his uncle.

"_It looked like a pickled baby arm holding a mushing peach..._"

Thoughts of elderly genitalia aside, he remembered that he had to work at the hospital that night as a part-time janitor. It started off as a way to earn some quick money, just a way to have more pocket change to buy snacks... and weapons. Not that the last part was important. However, he discovered something important in his job. Namely, the nurse Sayoko. The flirtatious vixen that loved playing mind games with him. The woman certainly was attractive, but the 'affection' she showed him made the young teen very uncomfortable around her for all the wrong reasons.

"_Damn..._" Yu mentally hissed at the scuff in one of the hospital hall windows that refused to come out. The tiny spec threw off the teen as he wiped his rag in circles over it, trying to force the thing away. But no matter how hard he tried, the spot persisted. "_Come on, you!_"

The squeaking of the glass was burrowing itself in Yu's head. He felt the rag get hotter and hotter as he forced it to go faster and faster. His teeth grit, his gaze stiffened. He readied his bottle of cleaning fluid for battle. His headphones blared an inspirational song that cannot have its lyrics shown due to legal reasons. Don't like it? Blame the copyright.

He pushed the strange thoughts away and continued his onslaught against the frustration-incarnate, aka the speck on the window. He could handle the physical manifestations of humanity's psyche, all wishing to _kill him_. He could handle playing armchair psychiatrist to half of the town, somehow just hanging out with people and it causing them to spill out their darkest secrets and deepest regrets. He could handle half of the girls in his school all butchering each other to so much as touch him; he actually saw one girl stab another in the eye with a pencil just so she wouldn't talk to him. He could handle all of that. _But not that fucking spot on the window!_

"_Is this even inside!?_"

He could hear the squeaking intensify, rubbing far too hard and fast for the glass to handle. His mind was set, his body was ready! He would defeat the devil speck and return home with glory! Nothing could distract him now!

"Hey there, cut-!"

The words of Sayoko were cut short as Yu spun around, delivering a bone crushing punch to her face. She went down without a sound, laying flat on the floor of the hospital. Blood dripped from her nose as a bruise formed itself over her right eye.

"Oh shit!" Yu hissed to himself, realizing what he had done. He stared down at Sayoko in shock, trying to comprehend what just happened. He was cleaning, then boom! She was on the ground, out like a light.

"_This is bad!_"

He scanned the halls of the hospital, trying to see if anyone saw him punch out the nurse. It was clear, so he gave a sigh of relief. He knew that it was a bad situation. He knew that! But he was also thankful that all the training in the TV World was paying off. For all he could know, she could have been a psychopath! Or a witch! Or some kind of horrid combination of the two.

"_Okay, I have to take care of this..._"

He knew he couldn't just leave Sayoko on the floor. He knew what he had to do.

* * *

><p>"Come on. Get in there!" Yu whispered to Sayoko, fiddling with her unconscious body in the small supply closet. Every time he tried to lift her to her feet, she would slump back down to the ground. It was a frustration experience, and one that was sure to go down in his diary that night.<p>

"_D-Diary!? I-I meant journal!_"

It took him a few seconds to remember that he was _thinking _that, and not telling anyone about the pink diary his parents got him because they wanted a girl instead.

He shook his head of the expository thoughts and finally managed to get Sayoko caught on the coat hanger in the closet, catching her by the neck of her uniform. The position kept her on her feet, but left a bit too much... _exposed_. Her cleavage was emphasized due to the uniform pressing against her; her legs showed, teasingly displaying the edges of her panties. The provocative position gave Yu another idea that was pure genius.

"_Where's a piece of paper?_"

* * *

><p>"Where is Sayoko?" A nurse asked her friend, worry in her voice. She had not seen her all night, and it was starting to freak her out.<p>

"Think she's in the supply closet," another nurse answered her, striding her way down the hall.

"What's she doing in there?" the nurse said to herself as she opened the door to the closet, seeing Sayoko hanging there, looking more like a beaten prostitute with a nurse outfit on.

"My god! What happened!?" The nurse searched Sayoko for any wounds beyond the black eye and bloody nose, causing something to fall from her hand. The nurse picked it up and read the words aloud.

"_'Please do not rape. Thank you._'"

* * *

><p><em>AN_

Holy fucking shit! I completely forgot about this story until somebody posted a review asking for an update. I apologize for the long wait, and I am serious there.

But I went a bit blue for this one, being raunchy and dark humor. But I always thought that something like this would happen, what with Yu and his friends training in the TV World, you'd think they'd either have super PTSD or some kind of reflex type thing. But no, they're all able to take their near death experiences like **men**.

Next one shouldn't be this long. Please leave a review either telling me a suggestion to improve or just calling me the king of asses, either is fine. Also! You guys can PM me if you want me to write out a prompt for you guys. I'm bored as hell, and am willing to do just about anything.


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